Enough

I was asked the question the other day, "when is enough, enough". I have pondered that question for days and the answer has been weighing heavily on me. Hence, it's time to blog :)
We in America are so driven. We have so much, yet we long for more. We think if we get that job promotion, or get this new car, or lose a little more weight, or finally get married, or if we have another child, or if we have another drink, or if we smoke just one more, or if we just become more spiritual, or if we have a better house, or finally get all our ducks in a row, or if we finally win first place, or if we finally get noticed that we will then be happy and satisfied. But we all know that is not the case. As soon as the "new car smell" dissipates, we are already looking for our next purchase. Or as soon as your tired feet cross the finish line, you are filling out the paperwork for the next race.

See, the fact is no matter how hard you try to fill that void in your life, it will never feel satisfying. Sure you can have a few drinks and forget that the hunger is there or you can seek a thrill and not notice that nag for a little while. But when everything settles and the room is quiet, there it is. The void you experience was created by your Maker and at the root of who you are whether you acknowledge it or not, your soul longs to have a relationship with Him.

So, am I saying you shouldn't work hard to buy a new car and you shouldn't challenge yourself and try to be your best. Absolutely not. Goals and achievements are what makes our culture so great. You can do anything you put your mind to. But at the end of the day, why are you doing those things? Are you doing them to bring you joy and as a means to live life to the full or are you just staying busy so you can quiet the ache inside of you as God patiently waits?

I am not standing on a pedestal. I write these things in front of a mirror talking to myself. I get out of focus and out of balance easily and often...but God's grace is so great. He is not a God with a list of rules. His burden is light. He just wants a relationship with you. He is standing at the door knocking, are you going to let Him in? Your choice. For me, it is a daily decision. Maybe you should give it a try - you might find that gnawing hunger satisfied.


Blessings!
Until Next Time,
Becca

Under Construction - Progress as Promised

I have not blogged in so long. Life has been crazy. Since the end of April, our home has been under construction. After much thought, Jason and I decided to finally make some changes to our home. Wow, what an undertaking. The story is that we had a rock wall in between the kitchen and the living room. It was huge and bulky and took away from having a open home good for entertaining. The problem is, when you take out a huge wall like that it effects the flooring, the ceiling and our appliances which were built in the rock wall on the kitchen side. There was no way to do this job without really diving in. Our home was gutted down to the studs in the main living area. It took a full week to do the demo. We have been rebuilding ever since.
When the walls came down that backed up to our guest bathroom, we found a lot of mold and a huge water leak. This lead to a brand new bathroom for the boys. To top it all off, we fixed every crack in our foundation-stricken home which lead to having to repaint every single room in the house....either just a bit of touch up or the whole room. It has been busy and I feel like life has been almost overwhelming.
Not only has all this happened, but Jason has changed jobs and we are in the middle of negotiating a price on the sale of Jason's mom's house. Back in February we were chosen by a birthmom to adopt her baby, but she changed her mind....thankfully. I don't think we could handle much more right now. I know God would have provided what we needed, but I am grateful that we don't have that on top of all the chaos.
I know everyone has things going on and life never really is easy. I know that I so often get bogged down with the here and now and don't focus on the things that really matter. Things came into clear perspective yesterday when I got an email from a high school friend telling me that my friend, Kristin passed away. She was 35 and had been fighting cancer and lost the battle. It is so clear to me today that life is fragile. Friends are more important than the chaos of life. Loving, teaching and being patient with my kids is way more important than getting things done. It doesn't have to be a home remodel....it can be anything that I let pull me off balance. I don't want life to get in the way of being the person God made me to be.
I will write again later. Here are some pictures of our constructions zone :) The first 2 are during the demo phase. The third is a picture of our new cabinets unstained (the 1st picture and the 3rd picture are taken from the same place), the fourth is a picture of Foster in our new pantry and the final 2 are pictures of the Granite Install Day!!! Today the plumbers are here so for the first time since the start I will have a kitchen sink. We have been having to do dishes in our bathroom for almost 3 months. I am very very excited!
Until Next Time, Becca

"Everythings Going to be OK"

I feel like life is passing by faster than I can keep up....but it is good and I am so blessed. My favorite thing right now is laughing at my children. God has blessed me with two of the funniest kids ever to walk this earth - at least that is my opinion. Caleb is really coming into his own. Daily I laugh at the things he comes up with. Here are two stories that made me laugh out loud.

The other day I was at Wal-Mart. The guy at the checkout had long brown hair and a beard. I could see Caleb watching him and his wheels were turning. Quietly he said, "hey, look at my shirt Jesus". "Jesus" didn't respond. Caleb said a little louder, "hey, look at my shirt, Jesus". "Jesus" still didn't respond. Caleb in a very loud voice for all to hear said, "HEY JESUS, LOOK AT MY SHIRT". I wasn't quite sure how to handle it, neither did "Jesus" otherwise known as Jay, Wal-Mart cashier. I am sure Caleb was wondering why "Jesus" wasn't listening to him and also perhaps why Jesus had a job at Wal-Mart.

On Wednesday of this week, Caleb and I went to lunch, just the two of us. I got him some Macaroni and Cheese and it was hot. I was blowing on it and couldn't resist taking a bite. He looked at me and said in a very stern voice, "Momma, don't eat Caleb's food." He put his hand just under my chin and said, "here Momma, spit right here in my hand, spit it out right now".

Foster is a mess too. He is getting so smart. He is a sponge at school and comes home with new tid bits each day. He is full of questions. The other day he wanted to know the difference between Jesus, God and The Holy Spirit. I heard from his Sunday School teacher that he then attempted to explain the Trinity to his fellow Sunday Schoolers. I am sure it was clear as mud, but to Foster, it made sense. I guess that is all that matters.

Life has been a bit of a roller coaster with Jason's job change, getting Jason's mom's house ready to sell and our possible adoption. In January, Jason closed his company because of how much stress it was contributing to his life. God has been our provider during this time. Jason has been able to keep his income up with freelance work while he pursues other opportunities.

We have spent almost 100 hours at Jason's mom's house getting it ready to sell. We are so excited about how it has turned out. We painted all the interior walls, cleaned and scrubbed, had new carpet placed and did minor repairs. It was so rewarding to see the huge change and in a small way I felt like we were honoring Emily by taking such good care of the home that she lived in for so many years. It is going to be bittersweet when it sells. I'm not going to lie, there will be some tears. There are a lot of memories trapped in those walls.

In March, we were selected by a birthmom to adopt her baby that is due November 4th. Last Monday, she called us and told us that she changed her mind and is going to keep the child....and then on Wednesday of that same week she wanted to change her mind back. When she told me this, I told her that she needed to not change her mind so quickly - she needed to give herself time and spend some time in prayer. That is where we left it. Yesterday she sent me a text and asked me to call her because she wanted to talk to me about something. I called her and she has not called me back. I have no idea what she is thinking or what is actually going to happen on November 4th. I figure it is a 50/50 chance either way and we are OK with that.

When I was young I was terrified of storms. I especially didn't like the sound of thunder that rattled the windows. Oh how I longed to be in my Dad's arms hearing him tell me that it was going to be OK. When we were at Disney World last summer, we took Foster on the Lilo & Stitch ride. We were strapped in this harness and the lights went out and it was pitch black. I knew that Foster was afraid. I reached over and grabbed his hand and rubbed his fingers to let him know that I was there, but I longed to snatch him up in my arms and whisper in his ear, "your OK, I'm here, don't be afraid, everything is going to be OK." Over the past several months, I have felt a little like I did as a child when it stormed or like Foster on the dark ride, but never have I felt so intensely the loving arms of Jesus wrapped around me telling me "it's going to be OK, I am here, I love you". Even during some of the saddest and most unsteady times in our lives over the past several months, I have never felt alone. God's peace and provision has blown me away. I am so thankful He has a plan and that His plan is good. I am thankful that He is always there and if I seek Him and listen, He is there gently whispering in my ear.

Until next time.
Blessings,
Becca

John

Tuesday, February 12th at 2:30pm, we lost a dear friend. John Kilgore, our beloved music minister at our church passed away from complications from heart surgery. He was only 59. I went to the hospital as soon as I heard the news. I am not a drama chaser - one that always has to be in the thick of things, but I couldn't just sit at home as the bottom was being dropped out in the lives of so many people I love so deeply. When John came to serve at out church over 20 years ago, I gained not only a new appreciation and love for music, I also gained a best friend who walked through life with me while we were teenagers. I love Collyn so much and I needed to see her and know that she was OK. Since high school our lives have taken us in different directions, but I needed to be with her and I know if the tables were turned, she would be by my side.

Yesterday, in the moment, I was strong. My emotions were steady. I know it is because I was kind of in work mode - I was helping people grieve. Through years of being a Hospice Nurse, God has equipped me with the ability to be strong in the moment. Today, is a different story. I think the reality of losing such an amazing man is sinking in. I think about all that John has taught me over the years and my heart is filled with gratitude to God for bringing him into my life. Whether it was during youth choir, on choir tours or simply on Sunday mornings, John taught me how to worship. Worship is not about singing; it is the pouring of your heart out in gratitude to the One who created you and sent his Son to die for you. You could see it on John's face when he would lead us in song. He wasn't just directed us. He wasn't going through the motions. He was WORSHIPING and we were just joining along. I think of him now. He spent his life teaching people to worship Jesus and now he is getting to do it face to face.

When we lose someone we love, it forces us to look at our own lives. I have done some soul searching today. I hope that when my life is over that I have touched people's lives the way John touched those around him. I hope people say of me that I was transparent, approachable, loyal, and real. I hope that they know beyond a shadow of a doubt how much I loved them and I hope I lived a life that drew people toward a relationship with Jesus. As far as changes I plan to make...I know I am going to hug my children, my husband, my family and my friends a little tighter. I am going to say "I love you" and "I'm sorry" and "thank you" more often. I am going to attempt to not leave words unsaid because you never know when you won't have the chance to say them.

I am sad for our loss. I know if John could have scripted his life, he wouldn't have left. He loved people so richly. He loved his family, his friends and his church. I don't know why God took him, but I can't be sad for John; He is in the presence of the Lord doing what he loved to do - worshiping! And to all of you who know John, you know he has that hand going and that smile from ear to ear as he sings with everything in him. How blessed we are that we shared life here on earth with John Kilgore!

Thank you John. You will be forever missed.

Blessings,
Becca

One Huge Mess

Yet again, I have been doing some thinking. These are some things that have been swimming in my head; I thought I would download them for your reading pleasure:

Perspective is funny. Sometimes I look at people and marvel at how put together they seem. I am in awe of people who not only have it together on the exterior but also seem to be confident in who they are as a person. Their marriage and children look textbook and there life seems easy.

My life couldn't be more opposite. I rarely am "put together". If I do fix my hair in the morning, it is in a ponytail by noon. I sweat like a man and my socks have holes...I try to not take my shoes off in public unless I am positive I have non-holey socks on. I struggle with pride, self-esteem, and anger. I am so disorganized that it is ridiculous - I think I lose my keys at least 5 times a day. I have to keep tight reigns on my tongue....in other words I easily gossip and when I am angry (especially on the tennis court), words come out of my mouth that would make a sailor blush. I also find myself cutting down others to make myself look better. I absolutely hate it when I do that. Since I was young I have struggled with being honest - I feel like I have made a lot of progress in that department, but I still catch myself at times not telling the WHOLE truth. Probably what gets me the most is that I care way too much about what other people think of me. I beat myself up when someone either doesn't like me or if I feel judged by someone. I hide behind my humor because I think if I keep people laughing they won't see what a mess I really am.

I know that I have good qualities too, but seriously, when I sit and look at me, I can get very down. The only hope I have is that I am not defined by my mistakes and imperfections. I am defined by who God says I am. I am one of His children - He loved me enough to send his Son to die for me. I have to remember that God doesn't make junk and he can use me in spite of all my broken and mangled pieces.

I am not going to settle for being one giant mess. I am working on the areas that need to be worked on. There is no doubt that I am not the person I want to be, but each day I get to start over and walk this journey. I am so thankful for friends and family who love me for me in spite of my "junk".

Life has been quite busy since I last wrote. Jason moved his office home. We reconstructed our dining room into an office. It has been great having Jason home during the day. It is so nice to see him more and it also frees me up to run errands during Caleb's nap time. We also did Jason's mom's Estate Sale and it was A LOT of work. I have a new appreciation for throwing things away; I was amazed at some of the things we found. We ran the whole thing ourselves....thankfully my Dad and Jason's brother, Hopper helped run the sale and our friends Deanna, Evan, Liliana and Kelly came and helped me price and stage things. The best part about the sale is that it is over. Now we are on to the next step of getting the house ready to sell. Jason and I had an emotional day yesterday as we walked around the house and saw it almost empty. Jason pointed out places in the house where he had different memories of his mom. It was hard! We even toyed with the idea of selling our house and moving there, but we both know that the emotions were talking. It is just really hard to close that chapter, especially for Jason. This house is the house he was raised in and there are a lot of memories made between those walls.
Five Things I Learned At the Estate Sale:
1) People will get mad over 50 cents. We actually had someone slam down an item and walk out because he thought the price was 2 for 50 cents and it was actually 50 cents each.
2) People are dishonest. We had one little lady switch the price on an item (she was probably in her 70s). Funny thing is, I would have given it to her at a cheaper price if she wouldn't have changed the price.
3) People how make a living off of "garage-sales" are pretty annoying. They like to use pressure to get you to make a fast decision that will lean in their direction. I had one guy offer me $3500 cash for Emily's car which I am driving. I told him that I would be interested in getting his name and number and he told me that the offer was good only for that minute. I told him that I was driving it and he said "surely you can get a ride from someone". I told him "No thanks".
4) Some people look at Garage Sales as a game. We had at least one person steal some jewelry that was marked $1 - seriously, is your integrity worth $1? I think people just try to get as much as they can for nothing.
5) Some people are genuinely nice. We had one older gentleman buy something and he heard us complaining that we had run out of bags for people. He went home and made a special trip back to the house to deliver us a load of bags. I want to be like him!



I included a couple of pictures of the boys. I have not been taking many pictures lately. Enjoy!
Have a blessed week!
Until Next Time,
Becca

Top Picks of 2007

Ten Events of 2007 in the Life of Becca Maddox (some amazing, some incredibly painful - all life changing- changing my perspective forever)

1. My trip to Colorado with 16 amazing women on a 6 day hike in the "wilderness". Never did I expect to be moved and changed so much. I will forever hold these special memories in my heart.

2. I fell head over heals in love with my baby Caleb. I will admit that our first year as son and mother was hard. This second year has been a blast. He melts me with his smile and the way he says my name. I love him so much I could never put it in words.

3. My baby started Kindergarten. It was painful to acknowledge that he was growing up, but I am so proud of him. He is growing up and learning so much. I could never put into words either my love for Foster. He is my little man. (Perhaps in 2008, he will stay on the "Happy Road" more often at school)

4. I was reunited with my long lost 1st Grade teacher - Miss Fitzgerald. If you haven't read the story, scroll down to September. Janet and I talk every once in awhile and I love every second of it. She is everything I remember her to be and I still find myself looking up to her. I hope she knows how much she is loved.

5. Our tennis team went 19-0 this year. We made it to Sectionals and lost by 1 line to go on to Districts. Although we were sad to lose, I couldn't be more proud of who we are as a team. Most of us were moved up to the 4.0 level. We are going to stay together as a team and compete this coming USTA year. I couldn't ask for a better group of girls to be on the court with.

6. My mother-in-law passed away in October. I still feel in denial at times that she is really gone. I learn more as time passes how much I loved her. I am also learning more about the woman she was as we clean her house and prepare it to sell. There was so much to admire and some things we roll our eyes at; she was unique and corky in many ways, but I loved her so much. She will forever be missed.

7. God blessed us with new friendships this year. We feel like we have moved into a new level of friendships with people at church. There is a group of us who have started playing tennis together as couples. It is comical as we mix tennis players with non-tennis players. In my book, there is no better way to spend time with friends :)

8. My sister came for nearly 3 weeks this summer. I love every moment I get to spend with my sister. I also love every moment I get to spend with my niece Maggie. Scott, my brother-in-law isn't bad either :) We had a wonderful time being together. In a few weeks we are going to be making a road trip to Florida to see them. We can't wait!

9. I lost 25 lbs on Weight Watchers. I did gain a few back with the Holidays, but they will come back off. I plan to jump back on track and take a few more off to get back to my high school weight (or at least close to). I was tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I never want to be obsessive about my weight, but I want to be healthy and feel good. It is hard to find that balance, but I am going to keep giving it a try.

10. Jason and I celebrated our 12th year of marriage this year. I can't believe we have been married that long. I am blessed to be loved by such an awesome man. He still makes me laugh and he is a great father to our boys. I couldn't imagine life with any other person!

That sums it up. It has been a year of ups and downs. I am looking forward to 2008. Hopefully it will be filled with deeper friendships, fun memories, wins on the tennis courts, maybe another adoption, success in Jason's career, some home improvements, some great vacations, a deeper walk with our Savior, and some unexpected blessing for the Lord.

Picks for 2007

Best TV Show - Comedy: The Office

Best Sitcom Rerun - Reba (I'm watching all of them for the first time)

Best Talk Show - Ellen

Best Reality TV - The Biggest Loser and Dr G, Medical Examiner

Best Male Comedian - Kevin James

Best Female Comedian - Paula Poundstone

Best Podcast - Relevant http://www.relevantmagazine.com/podcast.php

Best Book: Broken In The Backrow - Sandy Patty

Best Band: Benjamin Del Shreve

Best Female Singer: Kelly Clarkson

Best Male Singer: Don Chaffer; Shane and Shane

I know these picks don't make a bit of difference to you, but it is fun to put the list together. Everyone, have a blessed 2008.

Until Next Time,

Becca